Alcohol/Cigarettes/Tobacco - Effects on family life?

cat

Senior Billi
:shock:
Last time I was in US and we were joking about our stray cows and dogs problems.. They told me jokingly that let us be there for 2 months in every city your problem will be solved :rolleyes:
They don't know that in time they will suffer the consequences of killing cows.

as we transit though a very fast changing society where not only values, ethics but our cultural existence is questioned.
 

smokinjoe

Member
In all seriousness.. Think of it this way. Rather than complaining about Alcohol and smoking habits coming into the way of family values. Isn't it the family member's responsibility to help the guy who is drowning in alcohol or floating in Smoke or Narcotics for that matter. From a personal perspective my dad is over 55 now and has a habit of 2 pegs daily but that hasn't come in to the way of our family values ever.

What I am trying to say is its pretty easy to blame the person for his habits or blame the alcohol for the trouble that you are going through but we as family members portray helplessness rather than being strong and dealing with the situation.
 

kprixie

Active Member
smokinjoe.....ure dad having 2 pegs daily is no big deal. that does not mean that he is overly fond of alcohol. when we say impact on family, it means when alcohol takes over....when u need it like a fix. we are talking about people who drink on their jobs..secretly...and who drink later at home daily. and beleive u me its easy to say that if someone is alcoholic or on drugs then family members should help etc etc. well most cases its beyond help....u just cannot do anything about it. its bad. beleive me.
having lived with an alcoholic i know how it is. if ure married to an alcoholic then u can try helping him and if it becomes violent...well u can always leave. but when ure dad is an alcoholic....what do u do? u cannot leave...u cannot even defend ureself, u just exist...just hope u grow fast and get the hell out of there.
but it was a learning experience( better to think that way). when i was getting married....i never asked him if he was drinking types..how much?? etc i was never paranoid. my husband enjoys couple of drinks with his friends and i have never ever had a problem. my kids see him drink but he's sober drinker so it won't have any adverse effect on the kids. point i am trying to make is that we as parents or mom and dad have a good equation between us. we are basically very content, happy and have a wonderful relationship with our kids. thats what matters. thats what going to shape our childrens thots, their value system etc. its the amount of quality time we spend with our kids. that will help them be wonderful, kind, giving souls.
so basically drinking in front of ure kids will not give them the wrong signal...its being loudly drunk on most days...abusing etc in front of kids which we should avoid at all costs. my husband's dad use to have his drinks few times a week when they were kids. my husband started drinking well into his 20s. his father likes to have a drink with him on and off. so it turned out ok.
point i am trying to make is its not the drink...its the attitude. its how u handle ure drink. to each one his own...in moderation is ok.
and sachin...i wholeheartedly agree with u. society makes it difficult for people who don't drink alcohol. i am sure with guys its worse. but even with women its bad. nowadays its the norm for everyone so if u say u want a fruit juice ..its shocking. i have never felt the need to go by others standards. so if i don't like booze should not be a prob for anyone.
 

smokinjoe

Member
...just hope u grow fast and get the hell out of there.
That attitude is something I have a problem with. Its an escapist attitude. Why not stand up and help the other person out. He obviously has a problem and he's not able to help himself. All we wanna do is run away.

point i am trying to make is its not the drink...its the attitude. its how u handle ure drink. to each one his own...in moderation is ok.
whatever kind of help is required may be attitude adjustment, may be the guy needs to learn the hard way. But we dont understand the other point and blame the guy as an alcoholic and leave him on his own.
 

anupmathur

Super Moderator
Staff member
That attitude is something I have a problem with. Its an escapist attitude. Why not stand up and help the other person out. He obviously has a problem and he's not able to help himself. All we wanna do is run away.
...
Hehe, Anuj, you don't really understand what she's saying here!
Try to get beyond your philosophy and see the ground reality!
She's talking about a father, not a sibling or a friend. She's talking about childhood, not adult status!
 

kprixie

Active Member
smokin joe...... i am all for helping out. i am definitely not the person to bail out when the going gets tough, but you can only think these things when ure of a decent age..not when ure a kid. i can just remember the bashing ...the shouting jab se hosh sambhala hai. and in case no one knows how it is...let me tell u when u get bashed up like hell as a kid...by the time u hit ure teens ure self esteem, confidence everything goes out for a toss. forget about helping that person by the time i was 12....i just had one agenda how to keep my sanity...and to just hope it gets over soon. u have no idea ...can u imagine a 12 year old child's fav book at that time was' tough times never last tough people do'. ...and not enid blytons or whatever. its about surviving. makes u grow up fast.
as for helping that person etc..etc well as anupji rightly pointed out its only when ure an adult that u get to that point....of helping..but not as innocent kids. actually its not the alcoholic but the other people who need help.
 

smokinjoe

Member
smokin joe...... i am all for helping out. i am definitely not the person to bail out when the going gets tough, but you can only think these things when ure of a decent age..not when ure a kid. i can just remember the bashing ...the shouting jab se hosh sambhala hai. and in case no one knows how it is...let me tell u when u get bashed up like hell as a kid...by the time u hit ure teens ure self esteem, confidence everything goes out for a toss. forget about helping that person by the time i was 12....i just had one agenda how to keep my sanity...and to just hope it gets over soon. u have no idea ...can u imagine a 12 year old child's fav book at that time was' tough times never last tough people do'. ...and not enid blytons or whatever. its about surviving. makes u grow up fast.
as for helping that person etc..etc well as anupji rightly pointed out its only when ure an adult that u get to that point....of helping..but not as innocent kids. actually its not the alcoholic but the other people who need help.

Including anup jee's point here as well.... You were mature enough to think that I will run away.. You were mature enough to read not enid blytons but tough times never last... Hell you were mature enough to think that whatever happens you will keep your sanity.. But when it came to standing up and doing something you were a kid not an adult...I dont buy that...

And as far as bashing goes.. I have experienced bashing when I was a kid, Not due to alcohol, but when I decided to play naughty in school or didn't do homework or got less marks...

@Anup sir its not a philosophy its a point of view. If you want to laugh it off well thats your point of view.. :D

All i am trying to say is as a family in troubled times we should stick together and not blame each other for each other's flaws

For heaven's sake what would you have done if your husband turned out the same.. Ran away??
 

kprixie

Active Member
smokinjoe...........i think ure not mature enough to know the difference between getting bashed coz u were naughty etc or getting bashed that u had to go to a doctor with a head wound when ure 9 yrs old. you have no idea whatsoever about domestic violence and how tough it is for the victims. not a day went by when we did not beg our dad to stop. we never answered back...or were disobedient ever to him. as a child u do every possible thing to make ure parent love u.but if u expect a small child to stand up and say...dad lets chec u into rehab..or see a doc....then u have no idea of ground reality. this is just the violent part i am discussing here....u have no idea absolutely about the kind of emotional pain kids go thru with all this.
i know what family means.....obviously the alcoholic does not ...he thinks its his right to behave like this and he also thinks that his it is his family's moral obligation to get abused by him.
i had an uncle who was an alcoholic...he never worked...but had ancestral land so his family were ok. all he did was abusing and singing old songs when he was drunk. his family stood by him took him to various doctors ..looked after him, coz he was just an alcoholic...not mad alcoholic. he had 2 sons and he was of weak constitution so he could not be violent anyways. but what about someone who is 6ft plus and huge...that guy can punch the daylights out of most people most specially small children.
as for standing by ure husband .....well all relationships have their ups and downs..don't go by the cover of a book ever. all relationships take some effort..and by the way becoz of my dad...i was more than keen to work on my marraige coz i know its value.but if someone is violent...that stand by him i cannot do.
ure definitely entitled to ure views..everyone is. but as they say --- ji par beet ti hai woh jaaney.
 
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anupmathur

Super Moderator
Staff member
....
@Anup sir its not a philosophy its a point of view. If you want to laugh it off well thats your point of view.. :D
.....
For heaven's sake what would you have done if your husband turned out the same.. Ran away??
Corporal punishment versus getting battered in domestic violence.
You don't see a difference?! :eek:
And yes, many women run away on being battered by husbands. Fact of life. There are many NGOs and ashrams working to rehabilitate such women, helping them to get on their feet again!
 
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