Jokes (Only clean jokes here, please!)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Yogesh Sarkar, May 19, 2006.

  1. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Hi every one, this is the official jokes thread.

    Ps. keep it clean!

    How Many Forum Members Does It Takes To Change A Light Bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

    1 to move it to the Lighting section

    2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

    5 to flame the spell checkers

    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

    6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

    4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

    13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

    1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn

    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
     
  2. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

    The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

    The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

    Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

    "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
     
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  3. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Life before computer

    Life before computer

    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity
    A keyboard was a piano!

    Memory was something that you lost with age
    A CD was a bank account
    And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
    You hoped nobody found out!

    Compress was something you did to garbage
    Not something you did to a file
    And if you unzipped anything in public
    You'd be in jail for awhile!

    Log on was adding wood to a fire
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    And a backup happened to your commode!

    Cut - you did with a pocket knife
    Paste you did with glue
    A web was a spider's home
    And a virus was the flu!

    I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
    And the memory in my head
    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
    But when it happens they wish they were dead!
     
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  4. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: ?I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.?
    Back came the answer: ?Marry a penguin.?

    Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
    Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
    God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
    Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
    God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
    God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
    Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
     
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  5. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
    The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."

    The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."

    The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."

    "Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"

    "Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."

    The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

    "Sir, step out of the car."

    As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"
     
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  6. darkside_of_d_sun

    darkside_of_d_sun Moderator Staff Member

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    All the fun lost :lol: ...

    Cheers,
     
  7. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    lol :axe:
     
  8. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    The Ferrari vs the Moped

    A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

    The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"

    "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

    The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

    "Sure," replies the owner.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

    Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

    "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

    He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"

    The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"
     
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  9. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Harleys, Harleys, Harleys .........

    What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
    Sturgis !

    What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
    The Harley has room for two dirtbags on board.

    Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
    To be able to tell if they're moving or not !

    How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
    They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

    What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
    The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

    How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
    Both have pricks on their back.

    How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
    If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.
     
  10. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

    1. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

    2. Motorcycles' curves never sag.

    3. Motorcycles last longer.

    4. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.

    5. You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.

    6. Motorcycles don't have parents.

    7. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

    8. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

    9. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

    10. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

    11. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.

    12. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

    13. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

    14. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

    15. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

    16. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

    17. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.

    18. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

    19. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

    20. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

    21. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

    22. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

    23. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.

    24. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

    25. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.

    26. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.

    27. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

    28. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

    29. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

    30. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

    31. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

    32. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

    33. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

    34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

    35. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

    36. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

    37. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
     
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