Jokes (Only clean jokes here, please!)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Yogesh Sarkar, May 19, 2006.

  1. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    ? A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
    ? Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    ? Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    ? Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    ? Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
    ? Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
    ? Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
    ? Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
    ? Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
    ? Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
    ? Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    ? Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
    ? Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
    ? Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
    ? Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    ? Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
    ? Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
    ? Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
    ? Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
    ? Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
     
  2. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    What the advert said versus what it really means
    --------------------------------------------------------------

    needs minor work = needs significant work

    needs nothing = except a tow truck

    easy project car = completely disassembled, bring many boxes

    minor rust = don't sit down!

    minor rust = major rust you can?t see...

    low mileage = only 170,000

    convertible = after driving under truck

    runs great = too bad it doesn?t roll

    alarm = wires are cut to sell stolen

    nice stereo = to overcome exhaust noise

    needs paint = to cover rust

    new paint = beautifully covers rust

    fully loaded = seller is too

    all options = 8-track player

    only 59,000 miles = actually 359,000 miles

    rare model = one of 500,000 made

    must sell = before the law finds seller

    must sell = need bail money

    summer fun = roof leaks in winter

    summer fun = won't make it to fall

    reliable = don't leave the neighborhood

    daily driver = 400 miles a day

    only driven Sundays = Sunday is race day

    engine rebuilt = engine degreased to look it

    doesn?t smoke = no oil to burn, or 90wt oil

    trans. rebuilt = fine sawdust used to make it quiet

    4 speed gearbox = 5th gear is dead

    hurry, won't last = neither will car

    new tires = retreads years ago

    well maintained = oil changed every other leap year

    drives like dream = nightmare

    car cover = to help keep out rats

    always garaged = embarrassed to leave it outside

    family owned = driven by 6 teenagers

    fully restored = nothing original

    smog exempt = DMV doesn't think so

    tags till next year = stolen year sticker

    moving, must sell = off to jail, need bail money
     
  3. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
     
  4. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
     
  5. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

    "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

    "Oh, come along with me then."

    "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

    "Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

    "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

    "Bring them as well!"

    They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
     
  6. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

    Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

    God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

    The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
     
  7. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Why did the traffic light turn red?

    You would too, if you had to change in the middle of the street!
     
  8. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Public service announcements around the world.

    USA: ?It?s ten o?clock. Do you know where your children are??

    Italy: ?It?s ten o?clock. Do you know where your husband is??

    France: ?It?s ten o?clock. Do you know where your wife is??

    Poland: ?It?s ten o?clock. Do you know what time it is??
     
  9. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:

    (Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

    (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone?s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.

    (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

    (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don?t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.?
     
  10. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a REPAIR shop.

    The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow INTO the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing INTO her car?s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, ?What are you doing??

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow INTO the tailpipe in ORDER to get all the dents to pop out.

    Her roommate rolled her eyes and said?. ?HELLLLOOOO ? You gotta roll up the windowwwws..
     

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