Jokes (Only clean jokes here, please!)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Yogesh Sarkar, May 19, 2006.

  1. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    3 blondes walk into a bar one day and they are all chanting 51 days 51 days 51 days. They sit at a table of 10. A few minutes later another 3 blondes walk and they are also chanting 51 days 51 days 51 days. They sit at the table with the other 3 blondes. A few minutes later 3 more blondes walk in and they are also chanting 51 days 51 day 51 days. They sit at the table with the other blondes. Then 1 more blonde walks into the bar with a puzzle that is already done and she is chanting 51 days 51 days 51 days, she sits at the table with the other 9 blondes. now the bartender not wanting to be rude but was very curious at why they were chanting 51 days so he went up to the table and asked why do u keep repeating 51 days and one blonde gets up and answers ?well we wanted to prove that blondes weren?t stupid so we got together and did this puzzle. We completed the puzzle in 51 days and the box says 2 - 4 years!
     
  2. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said ?You?ll see.?

    They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, ?Ticket Please.? An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

    On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, ?You?ll see.?

    All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers? bathroom, knocks on the door and says: ?Ticket please.?
     
  3. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A blonde walks into a pawn shop.

    Blonde: Can I buy that T.V. in the window?

    Manager: Sorry, we don?t sell to blondes.

    The next day the blonde come to the pawn shop with a shaved head.

    Blonde: Hey manager, can I buy that T.V. in the window?

    Manager: Sorry we dont sell to blondes.

    Blonde: How did you know that I am a blonde?

    Manager: Because thats not a T.V. its a microwave
     
  4. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

    They?re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. ?I want to be gorgeous,? and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

    The second one in line hears this and says ?I want to be gorgeous too.?

    Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
    This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
    Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

    The guy calms down and says: ? Make ?em all ugly again.?
     
  5. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

    As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

    They angrily look one at the other.

    Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

    The other one politely asks, ?When you?ve finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it??
     
  6. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. ?Aaah!? he said. ?We?re right over my homeland.?

    ?How can you tell?? asked the American.

    ?I can feel the cold air.? he replied.

    A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. ?Aah we?re right over my homeland.? he said.

    ?How do you know that?? asked the Russian. ?I can feel the heat of the desert.?

    Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. ?Aah, we?re right over New York.?

    The Russian and the African were amazed. ?How do you know all of that?? they exclaimed.

    The American pulled his hand up. ?My watch is missing.?
     
  7. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    A man knocked on a persons door and said ? oh Presidant Bush has been
    captured by the Talaban and if we dont send them a billon pounds then
    they will burn Bush on a fire with petrol.? Can you help us

    The man replies ? Okay, so how much have you raised then?

    He replies ? About 2 gallons?
     
  8. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Murphy?s Travel Laws

    Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

    No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

    If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

    If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

    Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

    If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

    If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

    Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

    The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

    The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

    The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
     
  9. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin, and three bikers applied. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the male bikers to a large metal Door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second male biker was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the lady biker's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, cut, bleeding and dishevelled, she wiped the sweat from her brow.

    "You b*******" she said, "this gun is loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
     
  10. Yogesh Sarkar

    Yogesh Sarkar Administrator

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    Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by. He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet, and bows his head. The procession passes by the intersection and the biker puts on his helmet, gets back on the bike, and starts it up.

    The other biker comes over and says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

    The first biker responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
     

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