Jokes (Only clean jokes here, please!)


AKA Pankaj
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This
is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the
UPSC(IAS)Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the
Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed,
And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is
got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are
afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk.
Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have
any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the
condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans
and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy
species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees,
plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and
drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then
afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of
the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only
attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is
got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the
weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly
proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated
in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the
other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies
which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is
not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground
and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This
is the cow.......

We are informed that the candidate passed the exam, and is now an IAS,
is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]

P.S, no offence meant to anyone
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."


In Pursuit of Happyness
Ek1 Din Galib Scooter Se Ja rahe the Samne ek Bacha Aa Gya to Galib Ne Farmaya:

"Ankho Me Jal raha Hai Unki Yadon Ka Deep

Hat Jao Chotu,
Peep Peep Peep !!!! :grin:


In Pursuit of Happyness
Indian hockey is in such a bad state that you no longer even hear anyone saying: hockey se maarungaa....
Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works