Jokes (Only clean jokes here, please!)

K

kdacharya

Super User
An Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her also."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "You must get in line."
 
piyush0401

piyush0401

Well-Known Member
A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts t! hem onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'
 
K

kdacharya

Super User
Some of Dilbert's best one liners:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
3. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
4. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
5. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
6. Born free, taxed to death.
7. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
8. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
9. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
10. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
11. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
12. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
13. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
14. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
15. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
16. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
17. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
18. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers.
21. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
22. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
23. To Err is human; to forgive is not a Company policy.
24. The road to success...... Is always under construction.
25. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
26. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it ..
 
sahilthegoodguy

sahilthegoodguy

Well-Known Member
QUESTION IN ENGINEERING EXAM:

Q: How to Kill an Ant? (Asked in exam for 12 marks.... )

Engg. Student: ... Mix Chilli Powder with Sugar &
keep it outside the Ant's Hole.

After eating, Ant will search for some water
near a water tank. Push ant in to it.

Now ant will go to dry itself near fire.
When it reaches fire, put a bomb into the fire.

Then admit wounded ant in ICU.
Remove oxygen mask from it's mouth n kill the ant.

MORAL: Don't play with ENGINEERS,We can do any thing for 12 marks :p
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Santa : kal me rat ko bathro0oM gya to andar bhoot tha :(
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Banta: to phir kia hoa

Santa : hona kia tha me bhoot se bola tum karlo humara to wese hi nikal gaya hau :D
 
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V

Viny

Active Member
Thailand: Amazing Thailand!
India: Incredible India!
Malaysia: Truly Asia!

Wonder whats Pakistan's Tourism tag line....
''Have a blast, it might be ur last!"
 
K

kdacharya

Super User
Just when you thought that the English language had suffered enough from

Globalization! Here goes .......... J J J.

Persons for whom English is a second language will have trouble with many of these.

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2.. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins live on
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official!
 
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