Jokes (Only clean jokes here, please!)

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Yogesh Sarkar, May 19, 2006.

  1. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

    He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

    His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

    His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
     
  2. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

    The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"

    "Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."

    "And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.

    To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."
     
  3. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".
     
  4. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"
    The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
     
  5. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    Biker Mother of Six

    A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud
    that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a
    lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they
    went.

    At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you
    ready to go home?"

    His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
     
  6. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    You Might Be a Diehard Harley Rider, if:

    #1: You call your bike your woman
    #2: You treat it like it was your daughter
    #3: You wash and polish it until it shines like a mirror
    #4: You ride it more often than your wife (Hey, it can happen)
    #5: You take it out to eat more than your wife
    #6: You race against another bike and he loses
    #7: You rev up your engine late at night and the neighbors start yelling
    #8: You out ran the police
    #9: You ride in a rally and everyone compliments you about how good you and your bike looks
    #10: You watch bike shows on TV while relaxing in your armchair, drinking beer and buying Harley gear off the infomercials and off the internet
     
  7. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

    "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

    "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

    The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

    At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
     
  8. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    Screwed By Nuns

    "I was riding my Harley when I saw a sign by the road that said [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, 10 miles, get screwed for only $ 50.], I thought, nahh must be a joke.

    A little further, there was another sign, [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, next exit, follow signs & get screwed for only $50]. Well I thought I gotta check this out, so I took the exit & followed the signs. Pulling into the parking lot I saw only a couple of other bikes. I went up & knocked on the door, a nun actually answered.

    I said, "um, I saw the signs by the road." "Oh" she smiled, "Come on in." So I did, then she said, "You want to go down that hall on the right & then knock on the second door", so I did, (knock).

    A half dressed nun with the greatest body I've ever seen on a sister answered, & smiled, she said "I'm just getting finished so just put the $50 in the jar on the dresser & go through that door at the end of the room, & wait a sec" She winks, & points to the door, & then saunters out wigglin' one hell of a nice ass.

    I put my money in the jar, & went out the door. To my surprise, I found myself back in the parking lot. I thought this must be a mistake, & turned back to the door. There was a sign that read, "YOU've just been screwed for $50 by the Sisters of St. Mary's, Sinner"

    You just can't trust a nun.
     
  9. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    New Biker 10 Commandments

    1) WE DO NOT HOLD! (purses, beers, coats and other peoples shit, etc.)

    2) WE DO NOT WAIT! (for phone calls, slow people or losers)

    3) NO FREE RIDES! (some type of payment is expected)

    4) ALWAYS AVOID ASSHOLES AND PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS! (red necks in big trucks, 18 wheelers, and don’t get cut-off by sleds, fences, and holes larger than thy front tire)

    5) HOLD NO OTHER BIKE HOLY OTHER THAN THY HARLEY-DAVIDSON! (You may wave at riders of rice burners, however you must help a “brother” in need)

    6) BE KIND TO OLD PEOPLE, CHILDREN AND ANIMALS! (also don’t litter and “Don’t mess with Texas” remember the Guadalupe River Flood in October l998, water rights are free to everyone, not just land owners)

    7) HONOR THY FODDER AND MUDDER AND TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE!

    8) ACCEPT THAT THERE IS A “HIGHER POWER” THAN OURSELVES! (and He rules. Ask Him to “show you the way” to serve Him every day of your life)

    9) DO NOT STEAL, LIE OR KILL! (except if hungry, answering your old lady or fighting)

    10) HONOR THY BROTHERS AND YOUR COLORS! (Our Colors Don’t Run)
     
  10. Prasham

    Prasham Armchair Traveller :(

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    There's a guy sitting at a biker bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

    The poor man starts crying. The biker says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
     

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